You might have noticed that I can’t seem to grasp the concept of consistency (or that of routine, or discipline). I’m trying. I really am. This blog post is proof of that. My domain expired at the beginning of February and honestly, I had every intention of letting it go. I convinced myself (as I always do) that this website was an unnecessary waste of time because I couldn’t have been bothered to maintain it. I have a terrible habit of doing that and I am sorry. I mean it when I say I am starting to learn the error of my ways.
I have been in a slump (not just a writing slump- an everything slump) since November last year when my life sort of fell apart. I was simply too lazy to even attempt putting the pieces back together. I was tired of trying. I was sick half to death of doing what was expected of me. I was tired of doing what I expected of myself. I was just tired. Doing nothing became comfier and comfier with each passing day. It’s not that I was depressed. At least, I don’t think I was. I felt fine. I just… I guess I just didn’t give a fuck about any of my creative projects; not the videos, not the stories, not the songs, and least of all this website.
But then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked!
Sorry, I am re-watching Avatar for the bazillionth time.
Jokes aside, something has changed in me. Perhaps it’s the motivation from the new boyfriend. He doesn’t nudge, he pushes to the point where I am offended by just how much of a pusher he can be. This guy comes from a family where doing nothing is their idea of Hell.
Or, perhaps it’s the fact that work is avoiding me. Every job I have applied for fell through. And when I realised the companies were not going to hire me, I was relieved. Because I don’t want to work full time. Because fuck capitalism and the corporate world. I want to write. I want to entertain. I want to live off the things I enjoy. Not slave away and risk another near breakdown, like what happened the last time I got the bright idea to sell my soul.
Or, maybe it’s because I am an artist, and artists- no matter how deep and dark the slumps and blocks may be- need to make art. It’s been months since I have created something I am genuinely proud of and that makes me sad. I am homesick (home being that place where artists go when they make art. I haven’t been there in ages, and I miss it. I miss it so much it hurts).
Maybe it was all of the above and now the calling is so loud I can’t sleep at night. Who knows? What I do know is that this morning I woke up with a furious need to get my ass in gear.
My problem is discipline. I have all the ideas and passion in the universe, I just never learned to give them the time they deserve. I was too busy convincing myself that art only happens when it’s inspired.
I am extremely bored of that now. I want to do things. I want to make things. I want to share things, and learn things, and accomplish things. Real things.
So, after investing some money in new art supplies (partly so that I can stay organized and partly because it’s new stationery, duh) I made a decision to commit to all the things I have been neglecting these last few months. And then, instead of letting this website die, I paid to get it back. Because it’s mine. And it’s a little step in the right direction.
I won’t promise anything right now (I need to really think about my schedule before I commit to it), but at the very least, one post here a week shouldn’t be difficult at all.
I mean, come on. Surely I can’t be that lazy.